As someone who has recently entered her mid-20s (RIP early-20s), I feel that certain aspects of adulthood have surprised me due to the permeation of fake shit portrayed on TV and in movies.
This isn’t exactly a groundbreaking revelation – just check out all the ways that Girls differs from real 20-something life. But right now, I’m here to point a finger at one of Hollywood’s A-list actresses for lying to me in pretty much every movie she’s ever been in. I’m lookin’ at you, Julia Roberts.
Now don’t get me wrong – I freaking love Julia Roberts. I will see a movie solely because she’s in it, and I bought Lancome’s perfume La Vie Est Belle because she promoted it. I’m even toying with the idea of naming my first born child Julia. But it’s time to face the facts – Julia Roberts is a liar.
Don’t believe me? Check out 7 times Julia Roberts was a liar below.
1. When she was a prostitute who lived happily ever after.
I can’t even count the number of times my friends and I have (jokingly) used Pretty Woman as an excuse to consider quitting our jobs and becoming prostitutes. Apparently the only thing in the way of me meeting a nice, rich man is my lack of prostitution. Luckily, I have a firm enough grasp on reality to not actually try this.
2. When she was a movie star who ended up with a book store owner and acted like being skinny, beautiful and famous was ~hard.~
Who remembers the sob story Julia gives when she’s at dinner with Hugh Grant’s friends and family in Notting Hill about how rough life is because she’s always on a diet and being famous is, like, really demanding. Uh, I’m sorry Julia, but I’m pretty sure every woman in America is also always on a diet yet somehow we still can’t afford a house in Beverly Hills. Stop complaining.
3. When she somehow ended up with her best guy friend even though he was engaged to someone else.
Like, this would never happen. Also, the girl that Julia’s guy friend is engaged to in My Best Friend’s Wedding is Cameron Diaz, so this would definitely never happen. Stop lying.
4. When she got engaged a million times just so that she could ditch the groom last minute by running away on a horse.
Right, because finding someone who actually wants to marry you is SO easy. There are literally reality television shows (wassup, Bachelor) devoted to the idea that it is pretty freaking difficult to find love. So excuse me for not buying this bullshit idea in Runaway Bride that Julia somehow swindled four different men into proposing, yet still decided not to marry any them because none of them were ~the one.~
5. When she was a graduate student instructor in the 1950s but somehow had enough money to go chill in Europe instead of continuing to work.
Hey, I’m all for being an ~*iNdEpEnDeNt WoMaN.*~ But now that I’m actually in the real world, I realize that I will probably be poor as fuck until I’m like 30, minimum. And that’s with me having been lucky enough to land a salaried position right out of college. My brother is in grad school right now and he gets a stipend, but it’s basically equivalent to slave wages. So pardon me for not understanding how the fuck Julia was able to up and leave for Europe at the end of Mona Lisa Smile having spent the past year as a graduate student instructor. EXPLAIN PLEASE.
6. When she was a single mom struggling to make ends meet and ended up winning a huge lawsuit and making a ton of money.
I understand that Erin Brockovich is actually based on a true story. But, as they say in He’s Just Not That Into You (no, Julia Roberts was not in this movie, probably because it’s full of truths), Julia in this movie was the exception, not the rule. I mean, I guess this a heartwarming film if you want to feel like hard work will get you places. But what if I start working at a shitty law firm and there’s not a super big, corrupt case to crack? What then, Julia?
7. When she had a mid-life crisis and traveled the world eating, praying and loving.
Again, I know that Eat, Pray, Love is actually based on a true story (and I even read the book first, because I’m an overachiever.) But I feel like most people getting divorced aren’t signing book deals enabling them to travel the world. Why isn’t there a movie about a depressed single woman working at a shitty job and living with cats? Probably because no one would see it since it might hit a little too close to home.