Winter is officially here, or at least it is for meteorologists, my body, and my mood. All of my sandals, bikinis, and bright colored clothing have made their way into storage forcing my closet to turn into the anti-rainbow of all neutral everything. Sure, I left a few dresses for my winter wardrobe, but if I want to wear them I have to put on the second worst thing next to pants: tights.
Tights season is finally here. But before we kick off the no-pants party, we have a few questions we’d like someone – anyone – to answer. Any takers?
1. What is the difference between “silky sheer leg” and “active support leg?” Does anyone know what any of this stuff means, other than “control top” which is obviously always necessary? Because seriously – what kind of tights should I be buying? I have no idea.
2. And what’s with all of the sizes? Or should we say the lack of sizes… And also, why do we go from A to B to Q? Like, it’s bad enough if you have to buy a size Q, but couldn’t it be a size C? Why is it so far away from the A and B sizes?
3. What brand should I be buying? Should I dabble in the standard L’eggs from CVS? Or should I get fancy and get the nicer one-pack ones? I should probably just get the cheap ones because they’re going to rip anyway. Or maybe if I get nicer ones they won’t rip. But what constitutes nice tights? I have no idea.
4. Which is the front and which is the back? Because tbh, I have no idea. I just wing it every time, and you probably do too.
5. Why is there a crotch pad in them? Am I not supposed to wear underwear with tights? Because that would be weird.
6. Are you supposed to wear socks with tights? Because no one does. But the tights, like, aren’t exactly providing warmth to your body, so don’t your feet need socks to remain warm? I guess with logic like this you should just wear pants, so nvm.
7. Do tights even work? But seriously. Do tights ever warm anyone up? No. The only tights that “warm you up” are the heavy tights that are SO god damn heavy, they are actually leggings. And if you pair them with a dress, you won’t look like you’re wearing a dress with tights. You’ll look like you’re wearing a dress with leggings, and you’ll look like an asshole.
8. What is the point of nude tights? You’re wearing tights because it’s too cold to wear nothing, right? So why would you want to appear as if you’re wearing nothing on your legs? We have already established that black tights don’t actually keep you warm, but they do keep up your appearance of looking like you have your shit together and are dressing like a normal person because it is hashtag winter. So why would you wear nude ones? What would the point be?
9. How long are tights supposed to last? You pretty much wear them once and then drunkenly rip the shit out of them at a bar. That’s why you buy the L’eggs two-pack. So you don’t have to go buy new tights every time you want to wear them. You only have to buy new tights every OTHER time you want to wear them.
10. Is it normal to have a drawer of ripped tights? Because every female does. I don’t know if this is because we all have a bit of Jew in us and don’t want to throw out something we spent money on so quickly, or if this is because we think we’ll wear ripped tights again… but it needs to stop.
In conclusion: Tights do nothing to keep us warm. They are only for appearance so people don’t think we are insane for wearing dresses in sub zero temperatures (we are). And you apparently aren’t supposed to wear underwear with them. So let’s just boycott tights. We can start by throwing out all of the ripped tights in our ripped tights drawer! Who’s with me?