I wonder on a daily basis what people ever did before Google.
I honestly believe that it was just a lot harder to get shit done, based on how many times I look to a search engine to complete a necessary task. This includes finding somewhere to eat, doing something that my university degree should have trained me to do, or just figuring out life.
Many a conversation would never make it past that first question mark without somebody pulling out their smart phone to figure out relationship ending arguments over Beyoncé lyrics, allowing everybody to move on with their lives.
I’ve taken to asking her (Google is obviously a she- no man would put up with how many times I bother her each day) questions rather than simply searching terms. Sometimes it’s just not simple enough to narrow your query down to a couple of words, and I pose my searches as long-winded trains of thought as if I’m on the phone to a friend.
When you’re thrust into adulthood at 22 there are some questions that will come to you that you’re either too embarrassed to ask your friends, or certain none of them know the answer to either. Luckily you will likely be armed with at least a smart phone and web access- your secret weapons guiding you through the world of confusing taxes and odd medical symptoms.
Google, my closest friend and most trusted companion- who would help me learn to be an adult with as little judgment as you do? Let this be an ode to you and all the vague searches that you put up with.
1. ‘Recipes using a potato and some salt’
With adulthood comes domestic skill such as knowing a) what groceries to buy and b) how to make edible meals with them. And when those skills do not come, Google will offer step-by-step help, no matter how dismal your ingredient list is.
2. ‘Why does my oven keep catching fire?’
3. ‘Vietnamese delivery near me’
Look, we’re all still learning.
4. ‘How do I get and pay for electricity?’
Sadly many of these questions include how to spend money on confusing adult things like bills and taxes. This includes any variation of ‘what’s up with taxes’.
5. ‘Cheapest possible rent within a two hour commute from work’
Your expectations will drop from a double room to single, from the city centre to the ‘up and coming’ outskirts- but the bars are probably cheaper out there! And look at all this space.
6. ‘Communications Graduate Jobs in London’
Young professional, on the job hunt. Enthusiasm in abundance.
7. ‘….any jobs in London’
Enthusiasm lessens. Desperation grows.
8. ‘Can you get pregnant if…’
When you’re feeling a little nausea the morning after and aren’t sure whether it’s the vodka or the other thing that was inside you last night.
Not dissimilar to:
9. ‘Why is my period late/early/not here?
Also closely related to:
10. ‘Why is my [various body part] [sore/itchy/red]?’
Because Doctors are smart, but Google is free.
11.‘name of catchy song that goes: bitches something da da da drop’
You know the one, right Google? What, you don’t recognize my series of expletives followed by a beat drop?
12. ‘How to unjam printer’
Last week I called the IT man to help me with my printer and told him I had no idea what happened. He then looked at my screen and saw the phrase ‘I have jammed the printer with too much paper’ typed into Google.
Even of the best of relationships have betrayals.
13. ‘How to use Excel to do things’
14. ‘Help, now my Excel page is frozen’
15. ‘Watch The Hills Season 1 free’
Because where Google is helpful, Lauren Conrad is wise.
16. ‘How to lose weight’
17. ‘How to lose weight quickly’
18. ‘How to lose weight quickly, for free, without cutting out bread or cheese and also without sweating too much’
19. ‘Cheapest flights out of London’
Or wherever you are currently living and have recently made a regrettable decision.
20. ‘How to Remove Vomit/Alcohol/Bodily fluid from shirt’
Remember when your mum did your washing and your dirty clothes would just appear on your bed washed and neatly folded the next day?
At least now you don’t have to hide the dubious stains from her.
21. ‘2015 election…who is in it’
Just a quick wrap up, so I can throw in my two cents over lunch. Or maybe just tell me who to vote for.
22. ‘How to quit adulthood’