I’ve been 27 for exactly one month. It’s not old, but it’s different.
1. The more you age, the less alcohol you can tolerate.
Moment of silence for my tolerance. Not that it was ever that impressive, seeing as I’m 4’11. But I could definitely handle my shit in college. Now, this is me after sniffing alcohol.
2. The older you get, the more people expect you to have your life figured out.
When you turn 23 people are still like “LIVE YOUR LIFE GIRL!” “MAKE MISTAKES!” “GO CRAZY!” When you turn 27 people are like
3. If you said you wanted to settle down and get married people would be like “Yeah, it’s time.”
23: “I’m not even thinking about kids or marriage!” Society: “GOOD FOR YOU!”
27: “I’m not even thinking about kids or marriage!” Society: “You sure?”
4. Your Facebook newsfeed is very different.
In the last few years you’ve noticed a shift from this:
To this:
5. You used to get tagged at parties with solo cups. Now you get tagged at weddings drinking solo.
No more album titles like “We Go Hard” or “Party Like A Rock Star” or “The Good Life”. You’ve gone from this.
To this:
6. The only shots you take these days are of Advanced Whitening Listerine.
7. 10pm used to be the start of your night. Now it’s the end.
You at 23: “OMG it’s only 10?? It’s SO early!”
You at 27: “Woah, it’s already 10? When did it get so late?”
8. You check the hourly weather forecast…every 10 minutes.
There has to be a correlation between aging and the frequency with which you check the hourly forecast. I feel like one day I’m going to open it up and it’s just going to read “SERIOUSLY KATIE NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN THE LAST 15 MINUTES THIS IS CALLED THE HOURLY FORECAST FOR A REASON. COME BACK IN 60 MINUTES.”
9. You can no longer function on 3 hours of sleep.
I used to CRUSH THE SHIT out of the day on 3 hours of sleep. I wish I had realized in college that I was a god damn super hero.
10. You have become a plastic bag hoarder.
I wouldn’t call it a skill, but I have a remarkable ability to create hypothetical scenarios in which I will NEED a plastic bag.
11. The kinkiest thing you’ve done in bed lately is sleep on your neck wrong.
You ever wake up like “WTF was I doing hand stands in my sleep??” And then you move like a robot for the next 48 hours.
12. You can lay in bed at night and think “I know EXACTLY how long it’s been since I’ve washed my sheets.”
I know, mattress covers. Aint nobody got time for that. Unless your an adult. Then you find time for that.
13. You catch yourself starting sentences with “In my day…”
This is a scary one. “In my day, we had a walk man and had to listen to ONE album at a time.” “In my day, we had to call our friend’s LANDLINES and have voice-on-voice contact with their PARENTS.” “In my day, we wrote things down on actual PAPER!” You guys get it.
14. You keep things like Neosporin & Tide Sticks laying around “just in case”.
Look in the mirror. You’re turning into your mother.
15. The fact that you still sleep with a stuffed animal isn’t as much adorable at this point as it is, depressing.
Yes, he is a buffalo calf and he has several onesies. I realize this is not a normal thing for a 27 year old to have. But I’m putting it out there, so, be nice, Internet.
16. You can’t get into the music the kids are listening to these days.
When I listen to intense EDM/dub step music I feel like I’m listening to the musical rendition of a panic attack. It sounds like your computer is having explosive diarrhea. Please put on some 90s hip-hop and get back to me.
In conclusion, farts. I was feeling like way too much of a grown up after writing this.
