10 Thoughts Every Woman Who Isn’t Trying To Get Pregnant Has When She Thinks She’s Pregnant

We’ve all been there. Whether you’re having regular sex or not OR whether you have a significant other not, you have most definitely been in a situation where you jump to the conclusion that you are pregnant because your period has been MIA and you feel fat. I mean, it’s so easy to do right? Here are 10 thoughts you might have after you decide you are pregnant when you are¬†most likely not.


1. I feel fat. I look fat. No,¬†I look disgusting. How am I bloated? I don’t even have my period. *Steps on scale* Holy shit, I gained 3 pounds. How could this have happened? There’s only one answer: I MUST BE PREGNANT. Help.

2. How much is an abortion?¬†Can I even afford an abortion? What about the abortion pill? I don’t really feel like having surgery. How does the¬†surgery even work? How does the PILL work? Do I have to take time off of work for this?¬†Have I even accrued enough time off yet to deal with this? ALSO, can I even get an abortion anymore?¬†Like, what’s the cut off? Am I too far along for an abortion? How far along could I possibly be? I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

3. Am I too old to get an abortion? Like, should I even be thinking like this? I’m in my mid-20s. My parents had me in their mid-20s. Am I supposed to have a baby at this age if the opportunity presents itself? I’M SO POOR THOUGH. I can’t even take care of myself. Like, this could have been avoided if Plan B wasn’t so god damn expensive. 50 dollars?!!? No thanks. I’ve got rent to pay and booze to drink. See, totally not ready for a child… I am a child.

4. My life is over. My youth is fleeting. I just want to drink. You can’t drink when you’re pregnant though. Oh my god, I can’t be pregnant. I would have to stay in instead of going out… ALL. THE. TIME. I would have to spend money on a baby instead of on myself. THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING.

5. Should I tell the father? That is, if you even know who the father is.

6. Should I tell my mom? The horror.

7.¬†What about my friends?¬†How would I tell them that I CAN’T DRINK FOR 9 MONTHS? How would I tell the world I’M HAVING A CHILD? Like, if I have to give birth to¬†this child, I couldn’t just disappear. I’d have to tell my friends, my co-workers, my social media family. Like, would¬†I have to announce this on Facebook? I wonder how many likes the status¬†would get. I like likes.

8. Also, how much is it going hurt to give birth? I have a high tolerance for pain (thanks Pure Barre), but I don’t think I’m ready for A HUMAN BEING TO COME SHOOTING OUT OF MY VAGINA. LIKE, WHO EVEN MADE THIS WHOLE PROCESS UP??? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?

9. Wait – calm down, you¬†don’t even know if you’re¬†pregnant yet. You might just be fat.

10. Okay, I guess I’ll take the¬†test. *Takes test* Negative. How accurate is this shit though? I’m taking another. NEGATIVE AGAIN.¬†Guess I’m not preggers. I really wanted an excuse for my disgusting weight gain, though. Guess I’m just a giant fat ass. Whatever. I should probably look into using those condom things next time.

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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