This list. Seriously. Just reading the below list will cause you a massive amount of anxiety and I’m not sorry. Get yourself a fucking xanax before you go any further. Literally (I know that isn’t the correct use of literally – it just makes it that much more amusing, right?).
1. When your phone is at 1%. AND NO ONE AROUND YOU HAS A CHARGER. **Degree of anxiety depends on where you are (if you are at work or the club, it’s pretty high… if you’re on the couch zoning out on life, it’s whatevs).
2. Stepping foot into Forever 21. So many clothes. So many people. So much disorganization. Get me out of here.
3. Arriving to the check out section of Costco. WHERE DID ALL THESE PEOPLE COME FROM???
4. When you’re playing a game that involves repeating everything everyone just said (for ex: my name is ___ and i like ___). The entire time you could have been trying to remember everything, you panic wondering whether or not you’re going to remember everything… and now you don’t remember anything… and you look like a moron.
5. Sunday nights. Wait. An entire weekend just went by and you got nothing done. Again. Now you have to go to work tomorrow. Fuck.
6. Trying to find a new job. WHY IS NO ONE GETTING BACK TO ME? WHY IS THERE NOTHING TO APPLY TO? I JUST CHECKED INDEED 10 MINUTES AGO. WHY IS THERE NOTHING NEW? WHY DOES NO ONE WANT TO HIRE ME?
7. Public restrooms. One cannot simply go to the bathroom when someone else is in the bathroom. Especially when you’ve gotsa poop.
8. Long hallways. Should you say hi to the person walking down the hallway opposite of you? Should you look away so you don’t make eye contact? How should you say hi? With a smile? Loud voice? What if your voice comes out really quiet and makes you come off as shy? AHH.
9. Picking an outfit. I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR, YET I HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF CLOTHES. #HELP
10. Debating whether or not you should speak up in a meeting. What if no one likes what you have to say? What if someone tries to speak at the same time as you? What if your voice cracks? What if people laugh at you? You most likely debate this in your head until the meeting comes to a close and now anxiety comes that you wasted time debating nothing, and now you have no idea what happened in the meeting.
11. Walking out of a building at the same time as someone and debating whether or not you should walk and talk with them, walk ahead really fast, or stay behind walking slow. Behold the awkwardness.
12. Having to respond to texts. I usually don’t give a shit what I text to my boyfriend or my closest friends, but most of the time I have no fucking idea how to respond to text messages. How many extra ‘o’s’ should I put on the end of this hello? Should I use an emoji? And if so, which one? Should I write more than a sentence? Should I write a complete sentence?
13. Realizing you might not have enough money on your debit card when you’re the next person in line at Target. And then quickly trying to check your balance on the BOA app before you have to pay. This happens to me way too often. Like, maybe it doesn’t happen to anyone else. But I’m putting it on the list anyway.
14. Not knowing if you locked your door or shut off your stove after leaving your home. One time I left my blender plugged in. I was anxious all day that the thing was going to magically turn itself on and blend my entire apartment. Why? I don’t know. But whatever. It didn’t.
15. Seeing someone you know in a public place and not knowing whether or not you should talk to them. Should you put the sunglasses on and ignore? Should you sneak down another aisle? Should you pretend to be very into the salad dressings in the salad dressing aisle for approximately 10 minutes so you fall behind in your stroll around the store? Once you have to stop and chat, it’s way too awkward. You can’t let it come to that.
16. Trying to make plans. You can’t, like, COMMIT to anything. What if something better comes along?
17. When someone asks if you want a cookie or piece of chocolate. This is especially awkward if everyone around you is eating said food, and you feel as though you will look like an ass if you do not partake in the eating of said food. But you’re on a diet. Do you say that? Or do you just suck it up and eat the food? YOU DON’T KNOW.
18. Not knowing what someone is talking about, but feeling like you have to pretend you do for fear of looking stupid. Oh yeah, thattttttttt. I totally know what you’re talking about. *SMILE AND NOD*
19. Sitting on the couch thinking about all the things you have to do. Because LITERALLY, you have a million things to do. Why aren’t you doing any of those things? Because you are way too anxious about it all, duh!
20. Having to go to the bathroom when walking around a city. THERE IS NO WHERE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. YOU ARE GOING TO GET A UTI. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?!
21. Meeting someone for something. What should you wear? Should you get there on time? Should you get there early? How early should you get there? Should you wait in your car for a few minutes until it’s an appropriate time to go in? What are you even going to talk about with this person? The list of questions goes on.
22. Thinking you lost something. Even worse – actually losing something. Your keys, your license, your phone, your credit card, your favorite pair of pants… Did these things just get up and walk away?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??? One time I got so anxious that I lost my phone, that I had an entire restaurant looking for my phone. Where was my phone? Underneath my bag on the table. Yeah… That happened…
23. Reading text messages you sent while drunk last night. I SAID WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?
24. Picking something to make for dinner. It would have been so much easier if you made a menu for yourself every Sunday, but you just have wayyyy to much going on to make time for that. So what will it be? Eggs? Chicken? Meat? Pasta? Quinoa? OMG. You can’t decide. Now it’s getting too late to eat a big meal. You should just eat toast or something… but you’re soooo hungry. WAHHH.
25. Waiting for an email. Or a text. Or a phone call. Or waiting for anything in general. It’s like waiting for a boyfriend. If you wait, HE WILL PROBABLY MOST LIKELY NOT COME (literally and figuratively), so calm the eff down. It will come when it comes. BUT YOU CAN’T WAIT.
26. 4:45pm on a Friday. CAN IT JUST BE TIME TO GO ALREADY?! LIKE, SERIOUSLY.