Conversation Starters: Formal Definitions of Various Baked Goods

If someone asked me the definition of a cookie I’d just say ummm FAT. But recently I have been looking for new conversation starters and think the real definition of desserts and/or baked goods are a good one. Also I have such PMS and just need to fucking know.

Together with trusty Wikipedia and sweet ol’ Google Images I have defined the things I love and hate the most in the world. The formal definitions and photos are kind of hilarious and also horrendous and not really accurate. (note: the pictures included are the first thing that pops up in Google when you type in the dessert..they SUCK)

Some of the definitions also have “examples” which are  awesome. I provide commentary/suggested updates for Wikipedia in italics.

Unknown

cookie

1. a small sweet cake, typically round, flat, and crisp.

2. a person of a specified kind.

“a tough cookie with one eye on her bank account”

Fat chewy buttery floury things that moonlight as air freshener and do not look like Chips Ahoy.

 

imagescake

an item of soft, sweet food made from a mixture of flour, shortening, eggs, sugar, and other ingredients, baked and often decorated.

“a carrot cake”

A treat that is spongey and perfect and usually served during celebrations or on days wher one is not supposed eat cake but can’t resist. 2. It sometimes flavors froyo. 

 

 

cupcakecupcake

1. a small cake baked in a cup-shaped container and typically iced.

2. an attractive woman (often as a term of address).

“what up cupcake?”

A failed attempt at portion control. Also, trendy.

 

 

 

Unknown-2pie

a baked dish of fruit, or meat and vegetables, typically with a top and base of pastry.

Nailed it. No improvement on definition or the picture.

 

 

 

Ice_Cream_dessert_02ice cream

a soft frozen food made with sweetened and flavored milk fat.

“a serving of this, typically in a bowl or a wafer cone or on a stick”

EW. This is exactly what it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yogurtland_Yogurt_High_Resfrozen yogurt (also known as FroYo, FroYurgt)

a frozen dessert nade with yogurt and sometimes other dairy products.

“tonight, I’m only having FroYo for dinner”

“I’ve only eaten FroYo today”

A creamy, soft, cold, easily decorated meal replacement. A bill to pass this as the 7th food group is currently with the FDA.

 

 

 

Several_browniesbrownie

1. a member of the junior branch of the Girl Scouts, for girls aged between about 6 and 8.

2. a small square of rich cake, typically chocolate cake with nuts.

“brownies are common lunchbox fare” “that brownie leader should be arrested for child molestation”

A chewy square of condensed fudgeyness that resembles cake that should never be eaten not microwaved and/or not raw. Bad brownies are the worst.

 

Blondie_2blondie

the first of two TV series based on the comic strip of the same name.

Out of all things to not define Wikipedia what the HELL. If a brownie is the step sister, Blondie is Cinderella. UPDATE

 

 

 

Unknown-3jello

a fruit-flavored gelatin dessert made from a commercially prepared powder.

“a generic name for gelatin”

A jiggly thing that tastes like fakeness and is only purposeful when you have just had your wisdom teeth out or are getting paid to follow Weight Watchers.

 

 

 

 

pudding

1. dessert with a creamy consistency.

2. the intestines of a pig or sheep stuffed with oatmeal, spices, and meat and boiled.

3. a fat, dumpy or stupid person.

“away with you, you pudding!”

An underrated smooth, cool, jiggly fro-yo ish dessert that does not look anything like the image to the left. The one thing that doesn’t suck when sugar free.

 

carrot cake

cake containing grated carrot and typically topped with a buttercream or cream cheese icing.

“at lunchtime, how can we resist a fruit smoothie, a low-fat carrot cake, or a mocha cappuccino?”

The perfect man in dessert. The image is so awful I am trying to find the email of the head of Wikipedia.

 

 

Any of your own edits? Wikipedia editing guidelines here.

amanda lane

Hustla by day, Top Chef by night, Amanda lives in New York via New Orleans via Boston and is thoroughly enjoying the last year before the Quarter Life Crisis begins.

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