So you’re sitting on the couch with that oh too familiar bottle of wine, watching New Girl, and feeling sorry for your lonely self. Shocker. Instead of leaving said couch to do something outrageous, like actually interacting with real people, you turn to the best friend you never had: hello Tinder!
Tinder…how can I even begin to describe one of the shallowest breeds of online dating?
For starters, unlike “regular” online dating (is there really such a thing?) there is no profile, only pictures. AND LET ME TELL YOU, pictures are so unbelievably misleading it’s a goddamn joke. Like, “OMG! Your eyes are so gorge” but really, no. False. Your eyes are the color of mud and thanks to the tint of “X-Pro II” on insta you have transformed yourself into the vampie version of Robert Pattinson.
Then there are the tools, the really really ridiculously good-looking tools.
In their mini bio that consists of approximately two words: let’s fuck. You’re a little thrown off, but hey if they’re this attractive, maybe it’s worth a shot, they could be kidding right? That is until 2 seconds later when you get a message in your inbox with a few familiar words: let’s fuck. K, bye John. You’re really hot, but really nasty. So, bye.
Next comes the mini ego boost.
K so Matt, age 24, with a bangin’ bod and a cute smile seems worth a swipe to the right. IT’S A MATCH!!! I’m going to let you in on a little secret, guys who “liked” you are going to show up first. Even though Matt and Joe and Kyle are three hotties out of the massive number of guys you swooped through, there are PROBABLY about 50 guys who you will like and they will reject you. Over and over and over again.
If you’re like my boss and 32 and bragging about how great your return rate on Tinder is: #1 your life is pathetic because you’re 32 and on Tinder and #2 you didn’t see the masses who instantly rejected you. Rough life, ladies, rough fucking life.
When all is said and done, at least you had some comedic relief to accompany your goblet of wine, but the chances of finding anything relatively promising is non existent.
Feel free to share some of your Tinder moments in the comments!