One week to go and I know what you are all thinking: Thank God I don’t need to stay out past midnight for this one.
While you and your friends are probably going back and forth on g-chat about whether you are dressing up tomorrow, Saturday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday or Saturday, I am sitting here crossing my fingers and toes that there will be Midnight Milky Ways at my office’s costume party.
My embarrassingly salivating mouth really got me thinking about all of my favorite Halloween candy that I am planning on consuming this week, and also what one’s candy preference really says about them as a human. While I try to live by the motto of To Each Their Own and “judge favorably,” when it comes to certain candy consumption, I really do, unfortunately, stereotype, severely profile and aim to make you feel vulnerable about your choices.
If these are your go to, you grew up in a town where Halloween candy was only available for purchase at your local corner store. Or your parents were fucking lazy. Either way, your childhood most likely sucked and you have a minimal view of what life is/really could be.
While arriving in the same variety pack as the latter, Snickers lovers have experienced much more than those who favor other Halloween fare. They are also purists and rarely disappointed, as Snickers are quite frequented in Halloween buckets. These people also played high school sports and got lots of medium blowjobs in cars.
You are blessed with that perfect thing body, yet your Seamless order is always tortellini with butter and parm. You’re the reason why all candy bowls only ever have Life Savers.
You are a slut. You either gave your girlfriends all HPV or had multiple abortions.
Sunkist Fruit Gems
7th grade was the best year of your life. If you were a Reformed Jew, you know what I’m sayin’ #kosher
Whassup to my mother or any hot 50 plus year old who does Pilates.
As a SUPER competitive deuche bag, you are the one who takes more than two pieces of candy at the houses with no one home, just so you win the “who had the most” competition with your older sibling. (If you ACTUALLY like/eat these, especially the skinny log shaped ones…you 100% suck, unless you had a Peanut allergy, and then this is a legit option)
Nerds and Individual Sour Patch Kids
Nerds and ISPKs are everything. Such prized possessions. While those like me may have no shame in tripping our friends to be first to the doorbell, we always are down to share a little sprinkle of Heaven with the re-res who went for the Sweet Tarts. (ily my people)
This is the coolest candy in the variety pack, so clearly you’re hot, successful and a maniac. Scrape the caramel off with your teeth before eating the cookie? You’re perfect. Freeze and eat them on November 1st? I have a boner.
And to make sure no one feels to exluded…
M&Ms eaters are good with money, Blow Pop fans loved college, the overprivileged/eternal optimists crave King Sized anything, Milk Duds had braces for 4+ years (maybe also binge eating disorders), Smarties were stupid, and I hate Skittles commercials so much.