As I was walking out of work yesterday and put on my sunglasses, I thought to myself that I wasn’t actually using them to protect my eyes from the sun. I had a long day, I was tired, and I didn’t feel like talking to anyone – so I put them on. I actually put them on while I was still inside and then kept them on while navigating my way through the parking garage to my car. Sunglasses are a trendy disguise that say “don’t talk to me right now” and “I am really shady and cool.” No one ONLY wears sunglasses to protect their eyes from the sun. I mean, let’s be serious – I had a $350 pair of Chanel sunglasses. Sure they were good quality and helped block the sun from my eyes a little – but you cannot stare into the sun for an infinite amount of time without hurting your eyes with sunglasses on! I know, I’ve tried. So why in the world do we wear sunglasses? Well, there are many reasons why… And here are 10:
You don’t have to talk to anyone. Once the sunglasses go on, you are immediately brought into your own world (aka the best world), and since you don’t have to make eye contact with anyone, you don’t have to talk to them. That person coming your way, waving at you – yeah, you see her, but she doesn’t need to know that… so you can walk away in the other direction and avoid conversation. Perfect.
People don’t recognize you when you wear them. Yeah, this may not be true – but at least when you put them on, it feels like you just turned into this super mysterious person that isn’t really YOU. For instance, you’re shopping at the grocery store and you see this kid you went to high school with in the same aisle as you. If you have your sunglasses on, you can avoid the awkwardness of having to say hello and breeze right by them because, duh, they don’t know who you are – and you obviously didn’t see them!
When you are driving, people won’t actually be able to see who you are, making it appropriate to blast obnoxious rap music, roll the windows down, and sing. For some reason, when your eyes are visible to others (and you are alone in the car) it is awkward to blast music and roll your windows down because A) you can make accidental eye contact with someone and B) people might be staring at you – and might even know who you are!
You look trendy and “cool.” Sunglasses can say a lot about a person. There are all different kinds. Hipster sunglasses, designer sunglasses, colorful sunglasses, cheap sunglasses, ETC. Some people buy sunglasses just to look trendy and cool… Kind of like wearing prescription glasses without a prescription. But sunglasses also give you an attitude. And most people want them to say “f*ck off” or “I’m better than you,” so in order to do that – the more expensive, the better. Unless you get them on Rue La La (like I did). This is even true for guys – why do you think they all want or have Oakleys? Because Oakleys are COOL.
You’re hungover. There is no better way to hide from the world when you have a hangover than putting on sunglasses. If you’re lucky, you will be able to lie in bed all day watching movies while attempting to get your swag back for tonight – but if you have to go to the beach, the mall, your friends, an event, or WORK, just put on your SGs. You don’t want anyone to look at you or talk to you, so sunglasses will surely do the trick.
You can people watch. Whether you admit or not, we all LOVE people watching. Especially on subways, while shopping, at restaurants, in the elevator, in a park, at the beach – basically anywhere actually… And you don’t want someone to know you are actually looking at them! Especially if you’re checking out a cute guy or a hot girl… So how do you make it okay to watch other people without them knowing? Put on sunglasses, duh.
You’re a girl – and you have no makeup on. For girls, sunglasses can do wonders. If you don’t have time to put on makeup or you just don’t want to – and your face is looking rather gross from being tired, hungover, sick, or a combination of the three – sunglasses can make you look stylish and cool without having to do anything!
You’re ugly. Okay, if you’re ugly, sunglasses are most likely your best friend. Especially if you have an ugly face and a nice body – sunglasses can make you look model status good. The more your sunglasses can hide on your face, the less ugly you will look. Bigger is better.
You look tan. Sunglasses have a tint to them (duh) that makes things appear darker. One of those things being your skin. And what does darker skin mean? You have a tan! As a wise Snooki once said, “People look better tan.” And they do. They look thinner. Their skin looks clear. And their teeth look whiter. So if you’re wearing SGs, you will look better to yourself – and if you hang out with people who also wear SGs, you will look better to them too. A win, win situation.
They hide your shame. Sunglasses can hide your eyes, face, and – believe it or not – SHAME. Even during your “walk of shame,” sunglasses are necessary. They can hide shame for a one night stand or the fact that you are high. People tend to wear them when they are drunk, too. Have you ever seen people wearing sunglasses at night? Umm, have you ever watched Jersey Shore? I mean, there is a song about wearing your SGs at night. Well, people may be disguising their actions when they are suspiciously wearing sunglasses… Especially if they are in a club. And that’s not “cool” – That’s just weird.